I work a soul-less service job as a gas station clerk. It’s quite mind-numbing while physically taxing in the most obnoxious ways possible (sore feet, messed up sleep-schedules). It’s a paying job and with the possibility of loan repayments starting up soon, I can’t really afford to be picky. I’ve already spent nearly five months looking for a more permanent job that would keep me afloat, but unfortunately none of those panned out. It’s not quite a minimum-wage job because they pay a dollar or two above that, but it’s certainly not a job I’d ever want to work for the rest of my life.
Most days I come back to the place* and just want to curl into a ball and cry. The job is painful because it is one of the only places where I’m not out. Day in and day out I’m referred to by the wrong pronouns and the way people talk to me is different because they read and assume me to be one thing. It’s odd because the jokes and tone is so much different between people who know my gender and those who don’t. I try not to let it get to me, but after days of this it really begins to wear me down to the point where I can spend the rest of the day question who I am and what the point of life is. I usually come back to the place and play video games, eat, and then try to get some writing done. Depending on the day, I may be able to get started on my writing right away, but other days I have to wait until the people who own this house have finished watching their awful crime dramas.
I haven’t updated this blog primarily because I think a lot of it would be redundantly whiny and the last thing I want is for you all to feel like I’m constantly whining. At the same time, I also want to be vulnerably transparent about who I am and what is going on in my life. There will always be things that I don’t broadcast publicly and that’s my right. I may be a minister, but I didn’t throw away my right to the privacy. I choose to be open and honest about my life because that’s the kind of thing that I think gives authenticity to my ministry, but I also think there are times when it’s necessary to scale back and let the silence speak for itself. It also helps that I maintain a semblance of a presence on my public Facebook page.
Things have not been great for me these past couple of months, but I was recently accepted into grad school and I’m applying for a staff writing job with Autostraddle. I hope to return home to Chicago someday and resume the bulk of my ministry work with face-to-face interactions. Keep your eyes peeled for an update on something I haven’t really talked about much regarding my spiritual direction. I hinted at it on my private Facebook, but so far I haven’t made any public comments indicating this change happened. I’m not hiding it, I’ve just been carefully considering how to talk about it.
The Sapling and the Soul 